My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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