Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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