I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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