Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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