there was a trapeze. enough said
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
