If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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