Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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