both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
