its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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