I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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