The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
