My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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