Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
