True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
