I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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