You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
