I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
