yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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