I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
