He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
