I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
