If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize