I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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