When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
