The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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