: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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