Just took my morning after pill in the library
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
