my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think i got beer on your cat.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
