Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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