You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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