Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
