I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
