I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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