I must be too annoying 4 u.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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