i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
