I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
