Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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