I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
