i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
