Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
