so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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