When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm passing your future prison.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
