mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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