Your dad touched me again.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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