How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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