when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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