Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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