I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
