Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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