My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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