My liver just broke up with me...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
